a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
- oscar wilde
for years i’ve had this recurring lucid dream. i am not sure how exactly how to translate it as i don’t see any inherent deeper meaning. i am not sure if it happens before, during or after major events or changes in my life and i am not sure if it represents a person, place or thing. what i do know is that i’ve been dreaming it for years and once again i dreamed that dream last night..
it starts simple enough with me fading into dreaming. it’s kind of like curtains being pulled away from a movie screen. i find myself bathed in light, glorious golden light and realize quickly that i’m laying on a bed or on a mattress and there is a flat sheet covering me. the sheet is either white or yellow because the light coming through is golden. i think realize that the light is warm and i am warm so i assume the light is sunshine coming through a window.
there is a woman laying on the bed or mattress with me. i cannot see her but i feel her. i feel her physically and actually and i am happy and i am warm. we are playing under the sheets. perhaps tickling or wrestling or tussling, and she is laughing. she is laughing and this laugh is booming and soft at the same time and so joyous and welcoming and it surrounds me the very same way the sheets surround me. i am warm and i am happy and i am bathing in this glorious, golden light along with her laughter.
the dream continues this way for what seems to be forever. or perhaps we aren’t moving. perhaps i am just laying still in the laughter that is so real it’s tangible and that warm, golden light. my heart is beating quickly and heavily. there is a weight in my chest, not a tension weight or from the effects stress… but the weight we tend to get from emotional buildup. its so heavy. then just when its so heavy and rich that i simply cannot bare it any longer the sheet slides back just a bit.
things move really quickly now as i am blinded by the revealed light and she tilts her head back in a fit of joy. i cannot see her face over the “lens flare” that the sun coming in through the window creates, but i can see her teeth and her smile and her lips. i am filled with a happiness i cannot explain, words do not exist in this place i am in for this brief moment where she is smiling and laughing and we are playing beneath the sheets in that sea of golden light. i feel like she is about to look at me..
..then i wake up.
i wake up and open my eyes and the golden light fades away. reality cycles in and the laughter echoes in my ear. it fades with each passing second and i shut my eyes to try to hold onto it. my chest heaves less and less and my breathing returns to its normal rhythm. i don’t know her, but i already miss her, severely… i miss her laugh and that smile. i miss that place of utter perfection that i know i’ve never been before. i am left wanting..
it’s important, i suppose, to note that i am not unhappy after the fact. truthfully i’m usually very very happy after the dream, though i am left wishing to return. there are never spectacular things happening at the moment and its never in the midst of a romantic change of sorts. the dreams come randomly, always with the same tempo, always leaving and inspiring the same feelings of happiness, warmth and wanting..
..ra
